The Mike Enriquez effect

I used to watch TV Patrol religiously but I became disgusted with it when the newscast featured longer and longer segments of crime or traffic accidents. When I tune in to my evening newscast, I want to watch news, dammit, not some neighborhood altercation somewhere in Metro Manila that gets to be broadcast on National TV just because some blockhead reporter hangs around police precincts too much and do not sniff out more news worthy stories.

Now, I’m starting to get incensed with GMA news, and I believe it’s because of Mike Enriquez and what he brought to the news and newscasting in general. It may be funny when an impersonator mimics Mike Enriquez in a comedy routine but alas, the real joke is on us.



Mike Enriquez doesn’t deliver the news: he shouts them. He treats his audience as if they are all hard of hearing. When somebody said he should be a hard-hittin’ newscaster, he took it to mean literally. He took it to mean aurally. Maybe one could forgive him in the beginning because his roots are from radio broadcasting, but he’s been on it for years on television and somebody should tell him to tone down his voice--- particularly his bosses from GMA 7.

Mike Enriquez also points out what is already quite apparent. He treats everyone as if they were half-blind. For instance, just before the commercials are shown, he announces that in a small hick town, a bull went rampaging inside a supermarket as caught in a CCTV camera. He says: “O, ayun, nakita ninyo mga kapuso? O, ayun o, sumugod!”. He does this every time. He interjects his inane remarks into his news spiel. Somebody should tell him: “yes, everyone can see that, now stop pointing out the obvious!”.

Mike Enriquez, as the self-styled Imbestigador ng Bayan, also struts about like he’s Zorro: the defender of the poor and the oppressed. Yes, even in the newscast wherein he features himself. We want the news, we don’t want to see your adventures (or more likely, the adventures of your staff wherein you take all the credit as you narrate).

He ceased to be the dark knight of the oppressed for me years ago when I saw in one of the segments in his program the story of a supposedly abused student. This student was apparently being sexually propositioned by a superior in his school, so what the Imbestigador did was to equip that minor with a hidden camera and set-up a sting operation. The child met with the alleged sexual molester in a motel. Only then did they call the police. So when they tried to barge into the motel with cameras and police in tow, the motel management ran interference, fearing it would sow panic in their customers.

It was several hours later when they were finally allowed to secure the child. In the end, the molester was caught, the Imbestigador had good ratings but at what price? The child was molested under their own noses. Under the sting they had poorly planned. To my mind, they were as guilty as the child molester, perhaps even more so. To my mind, Mike Enriquez is also a child molester.

Of course, now, Mike Enriquez carries the Anak-Seal TV award as one of the most admired TV newscaster of children. Ay, if they only knew.

And this is what disturbs me most about this Mike Enriquez brand of newscasting: it’s being legitimized. It’s being accepted as good newscasting even by standard award –giving bodies. Gone are the days of no-frills newscasts from my youth from the likes of Ms. Tina Monzon-Palma and Ms. Cathy Santillan. The worse is, I can sense that the newscasters even from other channels are assimilating the Mike Enriquez Style.

When I watch the evening news, I want to watch more news. Not more newscaster quirks.

Walang Kinikilingan, Walang Pinoprotektahan

In a recent interview, Ms. Jessica Soho, vice-president for News programs of the GMA network’s News and Public Affairs’ Department said: “…ang branding sa amin, pag GMA news kilala yan na patas, nasa gitna talaga. Totoo yan sinasabi namin eh. Wala kaming interests to protect, therefore wala kaming kinikilingan, wala kaming pinuprotektahan. Ang baduy, noh? (Laughs). Serbisyong totoo lamang. Kung merong kaming pwedeng ipagmalaki, yun”.

I can’t believe she takes that seriously. Or expects anyone else to swallow it hook, line and sinker. The operative word in her reply, I believe is “Branding”. That is how they like to fashion themselves. But of course, we know better.

I do not believe that GMA news, or any news organization for that matter, can really be that objective to state “walang kinikilingan, walang pinoprotektahan”. Even the tenets of elementary journalism and broadcasting admits that we can’t really claim pure objectivity. Our political, religious, sexual and cultural upbringing will always color the way we see and interpret things and I don’t think the reporters from GMA-7 are exempt from this. Our political socialization affords us a unique lens in which we view---or in the case of newscasters---frame the stories.

GMA news is a business and like all businesses, they, who run them would move heaven and earth to protect their own. They have an interest to perpetuate: the credibility of their own broadcast.

Also, they have a television station with a stable of stars and shows. Even a cursory look at the showbiz news the evening broadcast carries will show that it is heavily focused--- on their own stars. For instance they feature such inane segments like “Sexbomb girls (the network’s patented version of dancing vixens popularized in a noontime show) teaches children to dance”. It had no real human interest to begin with. It wasn’t as if the children were dying of terminal diseases or something. Nope.

Why on earth would they feature that? Are they trying to promote the Sexbomb Girls as some group little Filipino children could emulate? “Mama, when I grow up, I wanna be a sexbomb girl!”. Mom: “now pout your lips, gyrate and say: Awwww!” The real reason: it was because the sexbomb girls has a new season in their afternoon soap.

There’s also the Manila-centic news. You can hear about a neighborhood altercation among residents in Metro manila complete with slapping incidents inside the police stations but you don’t hear similar incidents in neighboring provinces. You hear about a motorcycle accident in Metro Manila involving one person but you don’t hear about vehicular accidents in Visayas or Mindanao unless it involves a certain threshold of fatalities preferably in the double digits. So yes, there’s bias because the bread-and-butter of GMA news derives from advertising revenues in Metro Manila so they would naturally pander to news about or in Metro Manila.

GMA also has newscasters doubling as product endorsers. One endorses a shampoo, the other a liquor brand, while some a laundry detergent and even a health supplement. Their credibility as news presentors suffer because GMA news allows this. Although I consider myself more of a GMA viewer (oh, please no “kapuso” shtick) than the other channel, I believe that the restriction on product endorsements by newscasters as imposed by ABS-CBN was a good call. Will the product endorsers report about labor disputes or labor issues in the companies whose product they espouse? How about if someone doesn’t get well from taking a health supplement that a famous newscaster endorses? If truly they have no bias, they would have to report such cases., but the question is: will they have credibility? Will the people believe in them?

There’s also the Atty. Gozon slant. Atty. Felipe Gozon (along with Mr. Gilberto Duavit, of the Duavit political clan in Rizal) owns the majority shares of the network. I feel that if a foundation wanted to have news coverage for its activities it will have to invite Atty. Gozon because there’s almost always an Atty. Gozon feature in every evening newscast. It doesn’t matter what the activity was, if they had invited Mr. Gozon to speak, that would most assuredly earn a few seconds spot on national television. Ah, what the powers-that-be at GMA news would do to suck up to their boss.

Every evening we hear “walang kinikilingan, walang pinoprotektahan, serbisyong totoo lamang” as the GMA 7 sign-off but the truth is, no matter how much they repeat this mantra, no matter how much they try to make themselves and others believe: it will never be self-fulfilling.

Because it’s patently false.

Bumped off by Aling Dionisia

On the Last week of April, I attended a Labor Center’s press conference on the upcoming Labor Day mobilizations.

The venue was a newly-opened restaurant in front of the ABS-CBN headquarters in Quezon City. I arrived half an hour early so I decided to help out in setting up the banners and what-not for that planned mid-morning press con.

There was a smattering of print journalists and one broadcast journalist from a giant TV network. When it was about 11 o’clock, the press con finally started. I was asked to pinch-hit for the leader of the Association for Displaced Filipino Workers who couldn’t make it to the said event.

I sat at the farthest end of the table. The cut-out cardboard name I sat in front of wasn’t even mine. I tried to look all serious and pensive---thinking that is what my whole participation that morning shall require. I will just sit there and somebody else will do all the talking.

Then they told me I should prepare a statement.

The press-con began. The Labor Center president started to read his prepared statement. Then, the TV reporter approached the table, not even bothering to listen to half of what he said and asked: “can you just get right on the part about your planned nationwide mobilization? It’s nationwide, right?”

“Uhm, yes.”

Apparently, he wasn't really after the story about the current travails of Philippine labor. What he needed was some quotable quotes, a soundbite. He doesn't need to listen, I rationalized to myself. Maybe he thinks everything we have to say is included in his press kit. The reporter then adds: “can you also raise your fists so we can take pictures?”

After taking the perfunctory pictures, the TV crew hurriedly left. Other reporters left as well. Only a couple of print journalists stayed long enough to listen to what we really have to say. (They were still eating, anyway.)

I was the last to say my piece. At that time there was only one tabloid reporter left. But it didn't matter. I simply stated what I felt as a worker displaced by the current economic crisis and how I view the palliative measures in which the government tries to solve the problem: by staging job fairs during Labor Day.

It was a pretty good speech, I believe, mostly because the words were wrenched from my gut. I did not talk about workers as an abstract group; I talked about what I felt and experienced.

Later that night, I tried to catch the early evening news and the late night news, hoping to catch the few seconds they gave us to air our announcement regarding the Labor Day rallies.

Of course, there was no mention of it.

I tried to rationalize that maybe there are other more news worthy stories out there that night. That is until I saw the inordinately long series of feature stories on Manny Pacquiao's mom, Aling Dionisia on that day: Aling Dionisia arriving in the US; Aling Dionisia being welcomed by her cousin, Aling Dionisia going to the hotel where Manny stays; Aling Dionisia arriving at the hotel; and Aling Dionisia being welcomed by Manny with a kiss even if he was really tired and sleepy by the time she arrived.

It's a good thing Philippine TV newscast knows its priorities.



The next morning, I woke up late because of staying up late for the late evening newscast. I scanned the tabloids, but alas, I found no mention on the front page. Maybe it's on the inside pages, I reckoned or one of the tabloids that were already sold before I went there. Maybe.

What does Philippine media deem important? Isn't the plight of Filipino workers more newsworthy than the first trip to America of Manny Pacquiao's mom? It's only a few more days before May 1 but there's hardly any mention of the current condition Filipino workers being battered by the economic crisis.

I felt guilty for eating at that restaurant. It was supposed to be a breakfast buffet but it turned out to be a brunch for us, participants. That press con must have set back the already cash-strapped Labor Center and for what? Neglible media coverage. I have resolved, therefore, never to sit in front of press conferences in the future to face the media. Unless I can get drag Aling Dionisia to the same table, of course.

Jesus vs. the Pope

The Corrupt LGU of Morong, Rizal

Here is a blog from my friend, Kim. Please click on the link. He has stood against the corrupt practices of the LGU of Morong, Rizal and he has recently received some death threats in the process.

Here is the link for part 2

And here is my reaction/reply to him:

In the end, you stood up for the principles you believe in, and for that:I salute you. We need more people like you who are willing to stand up for their rights.

I have to add though, that you, standing up against corruption is a result of a confluence of factors and did not necessarily arise from you being a UP student---the fact that the mayor may have been a relative, your moral upbringing and political socialization and other external factors like the weather, I surmise, must have played some part in your decision to confront the ugly reality of local corruption at that particular time---so I admonish you to brandish being a UP student more judiciously in the future. Believe me, many UP graduates are quite ambivalent in divulging their being UP graduates because of various stereotypes the public have of them (for nurturing the likes of Marcos, Joma, Ninoy and ...heaven help us, Miriam).

Corruption takes many forms and it doesn't have to be as brazen as what you had experienced. When you start working you'll be faced with seemingly "victim-less" type of corruption like accepting gifts from suppliers during special events in the company. Or taking home some supplies the company would have disposed. These things silently chip away at the core of the very principles you espouse, if you are not aware of them. But I'm glad, young as you are, you already drew the line. You already know where you'll stand.

It's a good victory but the key to winning the battle is to sustain it hoping others do likewise. Or just change the the whole defective system (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

Please spread his story. it's the best way to protect him from the nefarious cops of Morong. Thank you.

Letter to GMA 7 news

Last December, after watching SAKSI, the late evening newscast at GMA Channel 7, I wrote a letter to its editor, to wit:

I saw the SAKSI newscast yesterday ostensibly to view the UP Lantern parade which I had just attended, when I came across the news regarding the sinking of the ship off the coast of Antique.

The ship apparently was en route to San Jose, Occidental Mindoro but the computer graphics erroneously showed: SAN JOSE, ORIENTAL MINDORO.

Did your editors also err? Even a cursory knowledge of geography would reveal that the western side is usually referred as the Occidental side and not oriental.

I also take umbrage because I grew up in San Jose. Occidental Mindoro may not have the tourist haven called Puerto Galera but not every prosperous and beautiful town in Mindoro belongs to Oriental Mindoro---San Jose being a case in point.

I was not able to see the earlier newscast, 24 Oras, but I hope you did not repeat such faux. I hope you could rectify this error. Thank you for your time.

The editor never replied. When I checked back on the story in their website, I found out that the ship actually sank in SAN JOSE, ANTIQUE and not SAN JOSE, OCCIDENTAL MINDORO. Well how about that, eh? They even showed a computer-generated map of its location in Mindoro but it turns out to be in a completely different island several hundred miles away.

Of course, GMA 7 would never admit to such faux pas. Who would have noticed anyway? The newscast was aired almost at midnight. Everyone watching would have been half-asleep by then. Nobody would care. Maybe just some nutcase who happens to hail from San Jose, Occidental Mindoro and who was watching the news to see some fireworks. But then, he's a nobody.

Well, I care for the truth. And for a station that bills itself as the "tahanan ng katotohanan"("house of truth"), GMA 7 should also be very careful in dispensing factual truths in its newscast.

Uncomfortable Plot Summaries by postmodernbarney

• 25TH HOUR: White New Yorkers commit crimes against both law and ethics; feel bad for being caught, rather than for doing it at all.
• 300: Gays kill blacks.
• 8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.
• A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case.
• A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: Social deviants make life difficult for genius.
• A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.
• ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
• ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.
• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.
• ATLAS SHRUGGED: Selfish industrialist destroys economy.
• AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.
• BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
• BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
• BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
• BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.
• BILLY ELLIOT: Union worker turns back on strikers for personal gain.
• BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
• BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.
• BLAKE’S 7: Terrorists fight government, die.
• BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
• BOTTLE ROCKET: Mentally unstable man fosters friend’s descent into mental instability, finds love.
• BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.
• BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.
• BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
• CHANGE OF HABIT: Rock star regrets not looking closer at contract with movie studio.
• CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
• CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.
• CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
• CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.
• CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
• CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
• CLOAK AND DAGGER: Spoiled teens discover drugs make them special.
• CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.
• CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own.
• CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.
• CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
• DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
• DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder, destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.
• DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.
• DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
• DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.
• DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
• DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.
• DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
• DIRTY HARRY: Police incompetence allows murderer to go free.
• DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.
• DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
• DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.
• DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE: Part-time mechanic involves girlfriend in illegal fight club, risks life of best friend and endangered primate.
• FALLING DOWN: Life is difficult for white men.
• FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
• FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
• FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
• FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.
• FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
• FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
• FREAKS: Acrobat learns value of community.
• SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
• GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
• GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
• GLENGARRY, GLENN ROSS: Sales job proves difficult for some.
• GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
• GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.
• GREEN ARROW: Rich white man with Robin Hood fetish goes vigilante.
• GREEN LANTERN: Policeman beats up his girlfriend.
• GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
• GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.
• HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.
• HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
• HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
• HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
• HE GOT GAME: Escaped convict attempts to embezzle only son.
• HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
• IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
• WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.
• IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.
• JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.
• JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.
• JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
• JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
• KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
• KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
• KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.
• KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
• KING OF KONG: Dick battles loser over trivia.
• LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.
• LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
• LARS AND THE REAL GIRL: Retarded man doesn’t know what sex toy is for.
• LASSIE COME HOME: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
• LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Alcoholic assaults local businessman, ruins marriage.
• LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
• LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
• MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
• METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.
• MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.
• MILK: Uppity queer dies.
• MIRRORMASK: Misfit discovers she is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
• MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Lesbian relationship is harmful.
• MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
• NEVERWHERE: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.
• OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.
• OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.
• OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
• ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.
• PILLOW TALK: Gay man tricks woman into sex.
• POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
• PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
• PRETTY BABY: Young woman’s modeling career encouraged.
• PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
• PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.
• RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
• RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.
• RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind 9/11.
• RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
• RAVENOUS: Coward is seduced by cannibal, destroys army outpost.
• RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.
• RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
• ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
• ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
• ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.
• ROCKY: White man beats black man.
• ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.
• RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.
• SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
• SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
• SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl.
• SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
• SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.
• SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
• SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
• SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed.
• SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.
• SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
• SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
• SOUTHLAND TALES: Traumitized vet destroys universe.
• SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
• STARDUST: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.
• STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
• STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Meglomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.
• STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.
• STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.
• STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.
• STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
• STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
• STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
• STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.
• SUPERBAD: Boys plan date-rape, sleep together.
• SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
• SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
• TAXI DRIVER: Modern dating proves challenging for working class man.
• TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
• TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
• THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.
• THE CONVERSATION: Paranoid schizophrenic follows worst possible career path.
• THE CRYING GAME: Hairdresser bonds with client.
• THE EDGE: Men bond in Alaskan wilderness.
• THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
• THE FIRM: White lawyer learns hard work is irrelevant.
• THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.
• THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.
• THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
• THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
• THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
• THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
• THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.
• THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
• THE PROFESSIONAL: Hired murderer sleeps with little girl.
• THE STEPFORD WIVES: Woman has difficulty adjusting to suburban life.
• THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Civil servant insults and shoots foreigners.
• THE THING: Unexpected visitor imposes on workers, their dogs.
• THE UNTOUCHABLES: Murderer indicted on technicality.
• THE WICKER MAN: Isolated religious community revitalized by newcomer.
• THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
• THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Kidnapper commits murder several times.
• TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
• TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
• TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.
• TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.
• TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.
• TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
• BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
• TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Father becomes more involved in teenage daughter’s life.
• V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.
• VERTIGO: Stalker drives woman to suicide.
• W.: Unspeakable disaster afflicts America. Then terrorists attack.
• WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
• WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
• WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.
• WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.
• WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.
• WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.